i tell myself that i'm emotionless.
why?
because i forced....not really forced...but rather made myself believe that i'm emotionless.....which i think is just a cover to hide what i really feel....which sometimes isn't much...but it's certainly isn't nothing.
i feel the emotion of love, the emotion of hate and even the emotion of lust.
but i stop myself from falling in love.....i often do hate people and anything that causes me to lust after someone...i automatically supressed that emotion. i don't like it when people automatically think because you are crushing on someone (hello preteen emotion), you love/like them.....which in my case isn't always true....but nor is it wrong. i find different things attractive....scent, height, the flow of the conversation we're sharing....even an shared interest can make me attracted to a person.....but when i 'lust' after someone.....i am wholeheartly attracted to everything about them.....even semi-annoying aspects of their personality....i'll find myself attracted to these things as well. am i willing to progress from crushs into an actual relationships.... chances are pretty slim but i often think i could if i got over my own personal hangups about myself....maybe then i could just be free to love/like any person without feeling guarded or have to surpressed my emotions in order not to get hurt. i often question and confused even myself with this emotion-guarding shell i have enclosed myself into....i'm always left with the answer: 'why?'. which i can not answer until i let myself get hurt and move on from the hurt. - end of this entry-
